Apartment Anthropology

There has been a theme running through my apartment living. One I have little control over and a fluctuating tolerance for. I shall call this problem "single male neighbor syndrome." This syndrome has many facets, the chief among which I have discovered to be described below. There must be a contract single men sign when moving into an apartment that others do not. One which states that they must purchase a loud, bass-thumping sound system and play it as loud as they can, risking permanent damage to their hearing. Also required is that the bass must be able to be heard and felt by the single male's immediate neighbors as well as shake wall hangings in all contiguous apartments.

Acceptable forms of bass-thumping noise include, but are not limited to: rock music, heavy metal, video games, and action movies. Lots and lots of action movies with lots and lots of gunfire and explosions. There is a caveat to the action movie, though. Action movies featuring gunfire and explosions can only be played on thumping sound systems after 11 pm. It is also acceptable to fall asleep with the sound system thumping as long as the single male has ensured the music will continue to thump by placing the music on repeat, thereby keeping the neighbors up or forcing them to retreat to the farthest corner of the house from their single male neighbor.

The sound system is best placed directly against a wall shared with a neighbor for optimal sharing potential. By doing this, the single male neighbor should anticipate a sudden flurry of banging against the wall, ceiling or floor by their neighbors. This is also an excellent opportunity for the single male to meet his neighbors when they sharply rap on his door to express their difference of opinion in his taste of sound. In some cases, local authorities may even be called in to assist with the matter. But the single male does not realize any of this is occurring, since he cannot hear the knocking, banging, ringing or pounding due to his thumping bass overpowering all other noises.

I have not found a cure for single male neighbor syndrome. The only positive results I have seen have been when the single male moves away to a different apartment, thereby transferring their syndrome to a new group of neighbors. In general, I let the single male have his bass thumping fun during normal waking hours (8 am - 10 pm). Certain concessions are also allowed for sporting events and nights that are clearly a party and not just the single male sitting in his living room in his boxers drinking beer and listening to Metallica.